It’s been a rough road…

I know I haven’t streamed a lot lately. I know that some of you have given up and stopped watching. I know some of you are on your way out the door if things don’t get back to normal. I know all of these things. I can see it in your actions, hear it in your voice and read it in your messages. I’m sorry that I haven’t been around so much, but it’s more than just being busy. I created this blog to not only get some things off my chest, but to keep everyone updated in my life should anyone want to read a novel or two.

To understand the lack of streaming, we need to break it down into the two main factors. One of which is steadily getting better, and one which may make things worse over time. To some of you these may seem like poor excuses, but please understand that I’ve always been a very driven and determined person, so if something is keeping me from doing what I want, it’s a big factor, at least to me personally.

First, there’s been the problem with work. I’ve said on more than one occasion that I hate my job, and I meant it. It’s not the work that I do, but it’s the constant working without an end in sight that robs me of my energy. I’m not even 30 and at the end of each day I feel like a man in his final days, waiting for the inevitable last breath from absolute exhaustion. The last vacation I took was nearly a year ago. As a developer, we need time to recharge our brain. Without that needed respite, we become demotivated zombies, which is how I feel. I feel a complete lack of drive right now. Every day I wake up and immediately want to stream, yet I feel tired within my bones. Anything short of turning on something to binge watch feels like the equivalent of climbing Mount Everest.

Luckily, the client I primarily work for has finally recognized that I’m at the end of my rope and has started working with me to reduce the time each day I’m spending buried in work. This is an ongoing process and will take a bit of time to make a lasting effect, but for now all I can do is take a deep breath each day and try to keep my composure.

As for the other issue, it’s with my recent break up. I don’t hold anything against my ex, and after much introspection, I agree wholeheartedly with her decision and the break up is mutual. We weren’t ready for how fast we we’re moving and it was making us unhappy to continue forward with a serious relationship when we weren’t prepared for it, nor looking after our own well-being.

But as good as it was for us to take a break from each other, it’s extremely painful. I went from being single, to engaged, to unengaged, then back to single in six months. In December, I moved 2,000 miles to be with the woman I love, only a few months later to being back in California. Not only am I back where I don’t want to be, but I’m in a living situation that makes everything that much worse. I’ve taken the worst step back in my life that I ever had to take. My quality of life has plummeted. All I can do now is spend the next month (or what I’m praying is not longer) in this 10×10 jail cell while I work on getting back where I was just days ago.

I just feel lost at the moment, and that in combination with the exhaustion has me feeling sucked dry of any motivation to do anything other than what’s necessary to survive and move back to Missouri as soon as possible. I want to stream, as it is a real passion for me, but I also feel completely useless at the moment. I guess what I need most right now is motivation and support.

I’m going to make an effort with every bit of energy to stream right now, as it really will help to cope with everything that has happened, but I really need everyone’s support moving forward. There are going to be days, like today, that I will want to give up and just go back to sleep. Please don’t let me do that. Give me that nudge that I need to keep me going. Stick with me through this rough spot and I promise you that we will get back to normal soon.